Learning How to be Your Authentic Self Can Lead to Deeper Connections

As women, we long for deep connections that allows for us to practice being our authentic selves.

"Those of us who work with women must understand that women are community-driven beings who thrive on hugs, touch, laughter, silliness, understanding, communication, listening, movement and authentic connection." 

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I was in the shower this evening thinking about a conversation I had today with my best friend.  She said she wanted to talk out something with me which I always love to do with her because we have been friends for over 30 years and we have developed a friendship based on trust, vulnerability and authentic connection. And it helps that I am a health coach who helps women work through things for a living so I can approach these types of conversations as a mini coaching sessions which she appreciates.  This conversation got me thinking about how often over the years people have sought me out in the weirdest places for advice, support, and encouragement.

One such conversation took place at the gym one day when a woman came up to me to say how inspired she was by how hard I work.  She went on to explain that she was exactly one year sober that day and had just come from AA where her sponsor had presented her with a one-year sobriety coin.  She pulled it out of the pocket of her leggings, and proudly thrust the coin palm up, while tears began streaming down her face.  As I am a deeply sympathetic crier, I began tearing up which made her cry harder.  I said how happy I was for her and that I recognized the fight and determination that staying sober must have required.  I followed it up with a high-five not knowing if she was a hugger.  She laughed as she wiped the tears away and said, “I haven’t high-fived anyone in years.  That felt really good.”  She then asked if I wouldn’t mind giving her a hug.  One thing I can say about that hug is that it was fierce.  Surrounded by her arms, I could almost feel the years of trauma and pain she had experienced.  I felt her desperation for someone to tell her that they were proud of her.  What she wanted so badly, I realized, was validation and connection, both of which she sought out briefly from me that day.  This was her being vulnerable with a stranger. I was struck by how brave she was not just that day but for the past year as she fought to reclaim her sobriety.

People in grocery lines, in store aisles, parking lots, dog parks, fellow runners in past ultramarathons I was running in, have asked out loud, “Why am I telling you this?”  All I can do is shrug my shoulders and assure the strangers that it happens a lot.  Strangers, friends, and clients alike find themselves telling me more than I think they are actually comfortable sharing.  I’ve often asked myself why people are attracted to me in this way.  I think what I learned in grad school had the answer.

A few years ago, as part of my Master’s degree program, we had a secondary curriculum to complete for our graduate level Certificate in Health Coaching. Quick aside if you don’t know what health coaching is, it is a partnership between a client and a trained professional who helps the client to make lasting and evidence-based change in many areas of life ranging from menopause (my specialty) to fitness, empty-nesting, career changes, nutrition and more, using research and a wide variety of tools to help clients address goals, barriers, and making plan for success.  Part of the health coaching classes involved personally taking the assessments that we would potentially ask our clients to take in their coaching sessions with us. The assessment that meant the most to me was about discovering our top 5 core values.  It was from that assessment that I discovered my number one value to be authenticity.  Translation: I don't like BS.  For me, this was eye-opening because I don’t like or do small talk.  I thrive on one-on-one conversation at parties and events.   It’s almost to the point that if a person hasn’t spilled their guts to me by the end of a dinner party, I am disappointed (typing this out now leads me to feel that I may have issues...lol). 

If you’re still with me to this point in the post (well done you and thanks), you’re probably wondering what the hell my point is.  Here it is: I think that the folks who find themselves sharing more with me than with their best friends, have a BS meter that helps them find people with whom they can share their truth.  In short, they are craving authentic connection, and will often share and overshare to meet that need.  One of the greatest gifts we can give someone is a listening ear without judgment or the need to fix it. Meet them where they are at – not where you are at – but exactly at the point where they are standing before you, at their most authentic and going more deeply, their most vulnerable.  And yes, this may mean in the line at Trader Joe’s while you’re eyeing those peanut butter cups they always have on the shelves next to checkout.

Since opening my studio, I’ve been witness to women from so many walks of life in various stages of health and menopause, coming in stripped down to their most basic self (this is what the menopause transition does to us) leaving before me a woman who doesn’t understand her body, doesn’t feel comfortable in her skin, has gained weight, suffering from menopause symptoms without relief, missing kids in college, frustrated with aging parents, doctors who aren’t listening and so much more. In order to live according to my credo of, “meet women where they are at,” I have had coaching sessions while walking my dog with a client in a nearby park (she called and asked for this meet-up), at my house while drinking tea, sitting on the floor with a client in my massage office as she stretched out her sore hip, on the phone with a client who didn’t want to Zoom for her coaching sessions for fear that she would ugly cry and be embarrassed, and on the phone with a client while I gardened because she didn’t want to interrupt my life with, “her problems.” 

While the therapists out there reading this might be horrified at what sounds like a lack of boundarie, let me be clear, I am not a therapist and therefore not bound by the same rules of ethics that bind therapists into keeping, and rightly so, very solid client-therapist boundaries.  And of course, I adhere strictly to my scope of practice.

What I have learned as a 47-year-old woman who has spent years working with women is this: we are highly complex, complicated, multi-faceted, and colorful creatures.  We cannot be treated or healed with a linear and often, clinical approach.  Those of us who work with women must understand that women are community-driven beings who thrive on hugs, touch, laughter, silliness, understanding, communication, listening, movement and authentic connection. 

In order for me to help my clients with the various challenges we are working on, sometimes we do things a little more unconventionally.  Besides, you can’t convince me otherwise that a walk in the park on a brisk fall afternoon with a dear client while fall leaves float down around us as they sparkle in the sun isn’t good for everyone’s souls (and vitamin D levels).  Finding and/or creating a space (as I have tried to do in my studio) where my clients feel comfortable, changes the tone of a conversation to one of peace and trust while offering my hand in freedom for her to express and discover who she is, perhaps even for the first time. 

Are you reading this right now feeling stirrings in your heart of gratitude for the truly authentic relationships you have in your life?   Or maybe you’re on the other side and reading this and realizing that you’re missing something. You are not alone.  We all long for friendships that allow us to be our most true selves.  In today’s world, true authentic relationships can be hard to find and even harder to keep. 

So, what the heck do we do about it? Below are just two ideas:

1) Practice limiting your time on social media as a starting point.  It gives us unhealthy levels of quick dopamine that tells our brain that we need it to survive, not to mention that the culture of comparison that social media encourages is destroying us.  Those influencers are fake.  You won’t find that authentic connection that you’re craving with them.  You’re just a follower, a number in the algorithm.

2) When you’re with your family and out with friends, I feel like I shouldn’t have to say this but PUT YOUR DAMN PHONE DOWN. Your phone creates a barrier and even worse, a shield to hide behind that stops you from making eye contact with those you care about.  If you’re staring at your phone, and not at their eyes or at their body language, you may miss the signs that your loved one is struggling.  What if you’re the one struggling?  If you’re always looking down, the very people you want connection with might not see the real you hiding behind your phone.  Put your phone somewhere you can’t touch it so you won’t be tempted. What is happening with the Kardashians on Tik Tok isn’t as important as the person in front of you.

Here's a little health coaching tip: Take 5 minutes of your day, and write a note to someone that you care about.  Not a text, an actual hand-written note for someone you want to practice being authentic with and get it to them however you are able: by snail mail, in their lunch, on the bathroom mirror, the car steering wheel.... get creative.  I call this, “Your 5-minute task for the day.” 

Be vulnerable. Practice authenticity.   It’s going to be uncomfortable, like, ridiculously so for you introverted folks.  This is how we grow.  And you never know, you might just find yourself in a conversation at the gym with someone who desperately seeks judgement-free connection.   It will be uncomfortable but you’ll never know the true impact that giving just 5 minutes of your day had on them.  Because remember, meeting people where they are at isn’t about you.  So get out there and practice being uncomfortable!

“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we are supposed to be and embracing who we are.”  -Brene Brown